He Made You to Be You

“You laugh loud,” He said.

I laughed again and inwardly cringed. Was that a good thing or a bad thing? 

Being told something open-ended like “you laugh loud”, is a huge deal when you’re seventeen. Seventeen is right smack dab in the middle of living  in a constant tussle of people-pleasing and figuring out who you are in the middle of all that clamors…

And at seventeen, everything clamors.

You want to be cool, but depending on your social setting what’s en vogue can vary.

And at seventeen, I couldn’t wait for all that to end, when everyone, including myself, would be grown up and things would settle down –

and nobody tells you that it never really ends – that seventeen is really just a mirage of what’s to come; that even though it does get easier,

learning how to be comfortable in your own skin is a lifelong process that only gets more touchy with age.

Nobody really tells you that the expectations increase and all of life is finding your way through.

Or, maybe it just doesn’t quite sink in.

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So there I was, in my mid-twenties, asking the same old, “who am I?” question and feeling like such a kid.

When I got married, I was 21 years old and I thought I had a pretty good handle on life. The hormonal teenage rollercoaster had balanced out and I had wrestled through some harder things in my young lifespan. I knew where I was going.

Except I really had no idea.

Because three months later, the plan wasn’t to have $5 in my bank account and be told that my dreams of having babies was dust. I didn’t plan to struggle almost daily with chronic stomach pain that no one could explain.

And four years later, I didn’t plan to be caught up in a tangled web of disagreements with my family and my church, sleepless nights and constant strain. I didn’t plan to welcome a baby into my home at the heart-wrenching expense of another mama’s loss. I didn’t think bonding with a baby who didn’t grow inside my womb would be so hard and I didn’t realize all the fears that I would face by saying “yes” to his little life.

I didn’t plan for invasive and expensive fertility doctoring that didn’t work and I didn’t plan to leave my church and I didn’t plan to love a baby girl that was born addicted to drugs that I would fight so hard for, only to say good-bye.

I didn’t plan to struggle with anxiety and depression, I certainly didn’t plan to doubt God, and –

me

I definitely didn’t plan to enter my 30’s and still be learning how to be comfortable in my own skin.

Life has unfolded completely different than what I ever expected at 21 years old, and shattered every bit of the naive self-confidence I embodied.

And that’s been good.

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Because –

He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less. 

The world and even Christianity is telling you to love yourself more,  and it’s not going to earn me points for popularity, but I’m just going to say it out loud –

this is standing on dangerous ground.

…understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty, for people will be lovers of self… {2 Timothy 3:1-2a)

Paul goes on to say that the imposters of truth will flourish in their deceit, but the holy Word of God will empower you with wisdom as you trust in Jesus.

You don’t need to love yourself more, if you only love Him more than yourself.

Christ came to set you free from yourself – from the sin that you were born into, that so easily entangles you. You cannot earn your salvation or good standing with God.

You are not the answer.

He is the solution.

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I was standing at the kitchen sink, wrestling through in my heart, because I also believe that self-care is important. We don’t have to run ourselves ragged or prove ourselves to God. We have been set free.

Our freedom includes deliverance from performance.

Jesus Himself retreated to the wilderness and put space between Himself and the crowds.

How do you reconcile it – the importance of self-care and the inarguable call to deny yourself?

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My number one request for our kitchen remodel is a dishwasher. I spend so much time at the sink washing dishes and it came to me as I pondered and prayed, up to my elbows in soapy dishwater.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.[a]
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.

When God said He made us wonderful, He’s not just talking about our physique.

The marvelous workmanship of God is not just in what we look like, but in who we are. 

We become the best version of ourselves, when we follow Him into the unique purposes He has for our life.

So if self-care is a coming away to not be filled up more with self, but to be filled up more with Him

If self-care is about making space for our soul to revive

and boundaries are set to guard our heart from self-reliance

and to protect against self-confidence and performance-based religion –

than self-care is really more about soul-care and making space for our Savior to have His way in us. 

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YOU are fearfully and wonderfully made. Your gifts – the way you paint, the way you speak, the way you write, the way you create beauty, the way you cook, the way you love people, the way you give, the way you laugh –

it’s on purpose.

And it’s meant to be shared –

because God made you to testify and declare His glory.

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Jesus paid it all.

To Him we owe everything.

It doesn’t matter what “they” think about your choice of work, your favorite color, what you eat or drink, and all the etc. —

IF –

IF ALL THAT YOU DO IS DONE TO THE GLORY OF GOD.

You will be misunderstood and wrongly judged and envied and ridiculed and people will mock you and talk about you and make you feel small.

So turn your eyes upon Jesus. Lean in to your Savior.

You are freed from self and released from shame.

You can be confident in the workmanship of an Almighty God.

He made you to be you.

GOD RESTORES

He walked out the back door, carrying a little brown basket.

“I’m going to go swing with Ryan, okay Mom?”

Ryan was the miniature doll he borrowed from Grandma’s house; the doll that was tumbling around in the brown basket he carried, my little Cub, as he ran across the backyard to the swing set.

A wave of sadness swept over me as he carefully placed Ryan in the swing. He was asking the plastic doll how high he wanted to go and gently pushing the swing.

It’s not fair, I thought as I watched him. He would make the best big brother.

Why does it have to be so hard? 

Impossible for us to get pregnant.

So hard for us to grow our family.

Why?

I was standing there, watching my son with pity. Would he always be an only child? Never know what it was like to grow up with siblings? I turned to go back to the sink full of dishes and I saw those two words scrawled across my blackboard.

GOD RESTORES.

God the Restorer. Our Restorer.

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To restore means to “renovate – so as to return to its original condition”. 

To bring back.

Return.

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I was barely 22 years old when I received two diagnoses that would forever change my life. I remember walking out of that appointment, feeling like I was walking through a milky haze.

This isn’t me. This isn’t me. This isn’t me.

They were the only three words I could think, even after my tears had dried up.

I wanted to refuse it. Refuse that it was possible that I would never have my own babies. Refuse that it was possible that I would have to worry about bone density and menopausal symptoms and hormonal issues that women shouldn’t have to think about until they’re late forties or early fifties.

Refuse that this was going to be my journey.

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Brokenness.

We are all fractured by life.

We are different and we are all the same.

All of us needing to be brought back.

Brought back and restored.

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When I was a kid, Psalm 23 was one of the first passages of Scripture that I memorized.

The Lord is my Shepherd

I shall not want

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures 

He leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul

I learned those words in the King James Version, with all the idiosyncrasies of Old English, because that was the version of my Bible – the same worn copy I still read from.

I shall not want, because He restoreth my soul.

It never said that we wouldn’t want because we wouldn’t face need.

We do not want, because we have what we need.

And what we need is not the absence of brokenness, but the power of a restoring God. 

We do not want, because the Lord is our Shepherd.

We do not want, because our God is a restoring God.

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For nine years, I have prayed that God would defy the medical impossibilities and give us a biological child.

For nine years, I have been in want.

For nine years, I have had all that I needed.

And goodness and mercy have followed me, all the days of my nine years –

in thousands of ways that He has blessed and given and restored.

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Five years of sweet wild turbulence, raising this boy.

He has denied my petition.

But, He has restored.

And I would take His restoration over an answer to the prayers that I have cried, a million times over and over again.

IMG_5490 His restoration to our brokenness will not always feel or seem fair.

We can ask why until the stars fall, and it’s okay.

But in the end, trust this –

GOD RESTORES.

 

On Cultivating Faithfulness

“If one more person says, ‘If anyone could do it, you can’, I’m going to scream.”

She was furiously scrubbing her laminate kitchen floor.

I stood in the doorway, silent.

“I know,” I finally said slowly, “Me too. I mean, I have never been through what you have been through, but even in the things I face in life, I get that all the time. “You’re so strong”, “You have what it takes”…it’s so frustrating.”

“Exxxaaaactly,” She leaned back on her knees and slowly stood. “It’s kind of another way of saying that we don’t need anyone or anything. It’s invalidating.”

It’s kind of like saying you don’t even need God.

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God knows what you can handle. God will only give you what you can handle.

We grow up hearing these things, until we wake up one morning and we are wrecked by life.

So we question –

because if we live from that theology, we are reduced to questioning even God Himself. 

If God will only give us what we can handle, is there even a God? {Because this is too much to handle.} 

My friend woke up one morning and her son died in his sleep.

How do you go on from that and live?

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In the aftermath of such heart-rending anguish, well-meaning people told her crazy things like, “God knew you could handle this if anyone could. You are strong.”

We have got to stop.

No one is strong enough to “handle” that.

No one.

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Years later, we said yes to the life of a newborn baby girl who had to fight through the drug addiction of her biological mama.

I held her every day that she stayed in the hospital NICU. I whispered “I love you” in her ears, I prayed that God would let me absorb all the pain that wracked her little five pound body, and I promised her that I would fight for her.

Our hearts were completely captivated with her wide eyes, round face and demanding personality. We loved her as our own. We sung her through hours of screaming and walked her through hours of tremoring. We got up with her at night. We welcomed her as our own.

Then we kissed her good-bye.

And I fell to the floor and screamed.

My heart bled for the pain.

None of our story made sense. I hurt because it was over and it had just begun. I hurt more because she wouldn’t “get it” and I knew that with every ounce of my being.

Babies are resilient, yes.

But babies are little humans with the capacity to feel every emotion that we are capable of feeling.

I couldn’t see through my tears and my fists pounded the kitchen counter and all I said was “no”.

My husband pulled me close and told me we would make it.

And I groaned. And I cried, “But will she? Will she?” And I remember looking at him, wildly swiping at my tears, and saying this – “I know that she will feel abandoned. I know that. It kills me.”

He half-carried me to bed, where I stayed for four days. There were moments I felt like I couldn’t breathe and moments I sat hunched over the toilet, gagging.

I threw up nothing but my one aching heart.

Everything hurt.

And I shrunk into a shell of grief.

img_6423Some people will tell you that God won’t give you too much to bear and they will try to be nice and encourage you by telling you untruths like – “you are strong enough”.

But you can hurt so deep that you wish you could close your eyes and never wake up, because you are truthfully not strong enough.

Don’t believe the lies.

You are not strong enough.

Good enough.

Smart enough.

Talented enough.

You are not enough.

And believing you are…and telling yourself that you are…is prison disguised as release.

Jesus came to set the captive free.

You. Me. All of us.

He came to save us – not just from sin and brokenness – but also from ourselves.

What would happen, I wonder, if we stopped struggling with our self-imposed expectations of “being enough” and instead – instead

cultivated faithfulness?IMG_5716 I wish I could tell you that I “handled” my grief well. I wish I could tell you that I was “strong enough”.

I can’t.

I didn’t.

I wasn’t.

But I hung on desperately.

And maybe that’s what faithfulness looks like sometimes. Resiliently hanging on, even when your whole life feels like it’s falling apart.

MtKatahdin1The spring before our son Leo was born, my faith in God’s goodness to me was tested in a way that shaped my view of God for me.

We had started the process of connecting with his birth mom and begun preparing for this little nameless baby boy – to be born in just a few short months. An August baby. It had happened so fast and so unexpectedly and I remember feeling so alive inside my heart, like I was living in a dreamy haze.

I was going to be a mom.

On my way, flying across the country, to visit my best friend and serve in another friend’s wedding, I wrote in my journal about a fear that shadowed my heart.

I was afraid that something was going to happen.

I felt this certainty that something would come up.

But I wrote this – “God, you wouldn’t let that happen though. Right?”

IMG_1861A few days later, thousands of miles away from my husband, I received the phone call that circumstances had changed.

We would not be placed with that baby boy.

Hope tells you to believe in spite of the risks, and when the risks became your reality, hope can feel foolish and unwise, like a waste.

And I wrestled. I dug in my heels and I grabbed hold and I said, “Show me.” 

Show me, God. What is it that you want from me, in this place?

Dashed hopes can make you feel an awful lot like you’re living in a wasteland.

And it’s there, in one of those fifteen scrawled-in books I’ve written the raw of my one heart and stored in my hope chest.

“You say you are good. But you don’t feel good to me.”

Honestly, it’s like if one kid offered a lollipop to another kid, waving the prospect in his face and then ripped off the wrapper and ate it himself. We would say that was mean, right?

But isn’t that just what happened? Didn’t God just wave this prospect in my face and then rip it away again?

I did not get an answer for why it happened, but it was impressed very deeply on my heart that I needed to just believe that God is who He says that He is.

It was like He was saying to me – “Renee? Believe who I say that I am. I am a good God and my plan for you is good.”

It was like He was saying to me – “Cultivate faithfulness.”

Hold on to what you know to be true.

And what we know to be true, is that Jesus, the Son of God, laid down his life for us and took the complete brokenness of all mankind on HimselfBecause He is good, for our good.

Two weeks later I received a phone call. Did we still want to be placed with this baby?

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Two-and-a-half years later, this happened –

lawyer dayMaybe knowing why doesn’t matter, you know?

Life doesn’t and won’t often make sense.

You aren’t enough for that and you don’t have to be.

Because God is.

He is enough for your one shattered heart –

your messed-up predicament –

your broken dreams –

your busy life –

your deepest grief –

your imperfect family –

your darkest night –

and every hopeless thought you have ever had.

He is enough and He came so that you didn’t have to try to be anymore.

And this is why you can lean in and be fearless –

not because there isn’t brokenness,

but because there is faithfulness.

Psalm 37:3-5 New American Standard Bible (NASB)

Trust in the Lord and do good;
Dwell in the land and [a]cultivate faithfulness.
Delight yourself in the Lord;
And He will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord,
Trust also in Him, and He will do it.

 

Trust. Do Good. Dwell.

and cultivate faithfulness. 

We overcome because we cultivate faithfulness to God and His word, regardless of our life circumstances.

And when the storms of life come, we might be shaken –

But we will not be moved.

Why You Should GO FIRST

September 1st and the sun shone bright and warm when I walked through those clear glass doors with my three-year-old son in tow.

What am I doing? My heart thrummed in my chest. This is stupid. I don’t need a “mom group”. 

Mom group. Insert <gag>.

Her hair was cut in a cute brown bob that framed her face and she was wearing yellow shorts. Her face was bright and her eyes were warm. “I’m so glad you’re here,” she said, as I fumbled my way into the church, “I’m Dez. Let me tell you about MOPS.”

Stacy walked me to the classroom for Leo’s age group and Kristin reassured me when I left my kid with people I didn’t know – for the first time ever. “They’re so great back here,” She said. “They will call you if he needs you. He’s going to have fun and make friends! I know it’s hard. Do you want to sit with me?”

What am I doing here

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I poured myself coffee and I sat down with a table of women I didn’t know. The morning flew by, I got Leo from his classroom and I went home, feeling more hope in my heart than I had in a long time. I wrote,

“Today there was MOPS and new friends, meeting up with 35 strangers and being met by 35 kind and genuine smiles and being encouraged by a whole lot of authenticity and talk of this one, next year, being a year to LOOK UP and SEE.”

 The six months leading up to that sunny September 1st, I had been begging God to open my eyes wide to see.

And when the woman with shoulder-length brown hair and quiet eyes got up and talked about seeing, I had my answer.

I knew it down deep why I was there.

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There was a man in the Bible who was born blind so that the power of God could be seen. “I am the light of the world,” Jesus said, and he spit on the ground and made mud to cover the man’s eyes.  “Go wash it off,” he said, and the man came back seeing.

Jesus restored the blind man’s sight by smearing mud over his eyes.

Sometimes God uses the unexpected to work redemption in our lives. 

When I walked into that mom group, I needed to see again. There were things in my heart crying out for redemption.

There were forsaken places in my journey and spaces in my heart.

And the journey through the wilderness that landed me at a moms group full of strangers, has only made me more convinced that Satan wants us to feel abandoned. Forsaken. Alone.

“Be watchful,” 1 Peter 5:8 says, “…the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour”, and Peter continues, “Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.”

Knowing.

Knowing what?

That you are not alone.

CBS News reported that 72% of Americans experience loneliness and 33% say they feel lonely once a week.

floweratpophamIt’s late. The house is quiet, minus the soft, persistent tick of the bedroom clock. The smoke alarm in the basement beeps and I remember that we need to buy new batteries for it.

Be watchful.

Keep your eyes wide open.

The Enemy of your soul wants nothing more than to destroy you.

Be watchful and stand firm.

Stand firm in the knowledge that you are not alone.

And you resist. 

These words are profound to me.

Everywhere I go, I hear it, I see it, I feel it – this deep yearning for authenticity, transparency and connection.

Because at the root of every jealous thought or misunderstanding, argument or rejection –

is really just a yearning to be loved.

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And this is why you should go first and say hello.

“Hi, I’m Renee, and…”

And your transparency might just be the key –

the key that lets another caged heart find freedom.

That says, “me too”“you’re not alone”. 

And together –

we resist the wily snares of the devil and step deeper into the water of His love.

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When I walked into Meadville MOPS on a sunny, September Thursday, expecting to never want to go back – I left with a glimmer of hope that I never expected.

Together.

Together is why you you should go first.

Because underneath all the layers of politeness and pleasantries and behind every mask?

There’s really just a yearning to be loved and to belong.

Find your tribe and love them well, for better or for worse, and you will stand firm and resist.

And you will see.

My Word for 2018

I used to make New Years resolutions ridiculously.

As if New Years resolutions could somehow make a life.

But life isn’t made from making resolutions, as much as it is by living with resolve.

And so, a few years back, I started by choosing just one word for my year. One word to encapsulate the kind of resolve – intention – that I wanted to live that year.

Yesterday, January 1, 2018 – I put on my running shoes and walked out onto my front porch, stretched and ran in the glow of morning light rising between the leafless, snow-covered tree limbs. runningshoesMy feet found their pace on snow-covered sidewalks, to the rhythm of these words –

God I give You what I can today
These scattered ashes that are hid away
I lay it all at Your feet…

O let this be where I die
My Lord with thee crucified
Be lifted high as my kingdoms fall
Once and for all, once and for all

This is the year of

fearless.

The year of no-turning-back.

More humility.

Letting love be the loudest voice.

Facing insecurities head-on.

Saying no to selfishness.

Loving others better.

Resisting shame.

Receiving correction.

Committing less, to be more committed.

Choosing repentance.

Because once and for all, Christ died –

and we have been set free from the bondage of sin, self and shame, called out of darkness and called into the Light.

Golden light spilling through the trees, washing my cold cheeks in warm sunshine as I ran –

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into the New Year.

Fearless – because come what may, Christ died, once and for all, to set the captives free. 

“So if the Son has set you free, you shall be free indeed.” 

And these words playing, as my feet slowed to a walk, two-and-a-half miles into my first run of a new year.

“Let my eyes see Your kingdom shine all around
Let my heart overflow with passion for Your name
Let my life be a song, revealing who You are”

Happy New Year!

2018: The Year to Lean In

The voices in my head told me to walk away.

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Leave.

You’re just too much. 

And never enough.

Two years earlier that’s what I said in an essay I wrote for a class on Biblical womanhood. I don’t remember the question, but I can’t forget my answer.

“I’ve always felt like I’m too much and not enough – all at the same time.”

I will never forget this part of the teacher’s response – “What would life look like for you…if you lived as though you had nothing to prove?” 

I read it and cried.

How do you even live your life that way? 

What would it look like if we lived as though we had nothing to prove? 

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Nothing to prove.

Because Jesus doesn’t need – or want – our performance.

His sacrifice would be in utter vain, if Jesus needed us to prove something. He wants our hearts.

And the awesome and holy truth about what happens when God has our hearts? 

We live captivated to the beauty of our unique purpose.

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. – Phil. 1:6

In another version, Phil 1:6 starts by saying “Being confident of this very thing…”

BE confident – that the redemptive work God is doing in your life was begun and will be finished by God.

You won’t get it right all the time. You will hurt others sometimes. You will forget things that you should have remembered. You will wonder why. Things will happen to you – or people that you love – that you will struggle to understand or accept. Life won’t always make sense. Things will happen that shouldn’t.

And you need to get this to live freely

you are confident in the redemption of Jesus Christ.

Your hope is not in answers to your questions, healing for your diseases, miracles for your impossibilities, or solutions for your problems.

Your hope is in Christ.

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A couple of verses after verse 6, Paul says:

And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, 10 so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, 11 filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.

Have confidence in God and the redemptive work He is doing in your life, and you are freed from performance and comparison and proving yourself – to be filled with the fruits of righteousness that comes through belonging to Jesus Christ.

12 I want you to know, brothers,[e] that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel.

The Gospel went forth through the life of Paul because of what happened to him. Paul wasn’t – and isn’t – the hero in the story. Paul was the vessel through which God shared a Greater Story.

So are you.

Yes, you too. 

2 Corinthians 4:5-6 says this.

Soak this in.

For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants[c] for Jesus’ sake. For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

We do not proclaim ourselves. We do not commend ourselves. Of ourselves, who are we?

But in Christbecause of Jesus, we are the treasured possession of the Most High God who has shown His marvelous light on our darkness.

That is our hope.

The hope that we share is that we have been rescued from sin, from darkness, AND – from ourselves.

You must tell your story.

Not because of who you are, but

because of what Christ has done for you.

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When Jesus sat with his disciples and walked upon the earth, He spoke in parables.

par·a·ble
ˈperəb(ə)l/
noun
plural noun: parables
  1. a simple story used to illustrate a moral or spiritual lesson, as told by Jesus in the Gospels.
    synonyms: allegory, moral story/tale

 

Jesus spoke in story form.

And thousands of years later, His stories still speak and change lives for eternity.

You must tell your story.

Fresh out of high school, I took writing classes that instructed me from the standpoint of sharing your story. I am passionate about sharing my story and empowering others to share theirs. Words have the power to change people’s lives. Telling a story can make all the difference in the world.

But I never imagined how hard it would be.

I took some tough feedback from published authors when I took my writing course. We talked about “developing a thick skin”. There was frustration. A lot of erasing and re-do’s. There were tears.

But it was different than when you open up your heart and tell the story of your soul.

That’s a holy kind of hard.

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The snow is falling softly and lazily across a gray sky. It’s hard to tell where the snowflakes even fall, the way they tumble horizontal.

Sometimes its hard to know how your words fall. You speak and you wonder – will you be received?

You are seen, but will your heart be heard?

You are noticed, but will you be known?

Will your sharing be accepted as the invitation you intend it to be?

I first came out on a social media platform, back in XANGA days. I was the “icelebrate” girl and I talked about life and hope and disappointment and Jesus.

How Jesus makes everything better.

And how there’s nothing trite about that at all.

Those days ended and there was a time of silence, before I began again, two years later. I started this blog and I joined Facebook, and eventually Instagram.

It was first just a place for me to connect with people. I love people and connection and hearing their stories. And I don’t know if it was by default, because of who I am and how much I care about story, but secondly, it became a way to share the story of my heart and how Jesus was working there.

There are plenty of words left unspoken, because there’s a time and a place for everything and social media is not the time or the place for it all.

But for me – it has become a significant space for me to speak and share my journey.

Until I almost left, last January.

I turned it all off for a week and I wrestled hard.

I {mostly} quit blogging, for almost a year.

Because the paradox with words is that they’re heavy and cheap.

I was speaking a lot of words…words that I meant with all of my heart.

But you can mean words that you speak with all your heart and hide behind them.

Kind of like how you can believe in the Bible and hide behind it.

Know what I mean?

I wanted to leave – social media, relationships, writing and pretty much everything hard.

You’re too much and not enough. 

The only thing that made me stick around – and I mean, the only thing –

this guy I married. The one who knows me best. He said –

“Don’t stop something just because it gets complicated. Lean in.”

Lean in.

What does that mean? 

I asked him. “What does that even mean?”

“I don’t know what all that looks like…” He said slow, thinking, “but nothing ever comes out of quitting.”

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I ran a lot of miles this year, but I didn’t come close to my year goal.

So I could quit running, or I could reevaluate my goals and start again.

I worked really hard in my home business and my business grew. I earned some great incentives and it has been such a blessing to have the opportunity to help others – but I didn’t succeed in all my ambitions.

So I could see success as the equivalent of a desired rank and throw in the towel because I didn’t get there, or I could see all the good that has grown out of what I have accomplished and continue with perseverance.

My intentions haven’t always been right and sometimes my intentions have been completely misinterpreted and I could allow this to silence me from sharing my life and telling my story, or I could dig deeper in my own heart and ask God for greater humility, and begin again.

Because nothing ever comes from quitting – 2018 is the year to lean in.

Because He who began a good work in you – will complete it.

Because like Paul, you are not the hero of your story – but you should still tell it – because God will tell a greater story through it.

Don’t walk away or leave.

You don’t have to be enough.

And you are never too much.

Redemption is coming, always.

So lean in.

———-> My word for 2018? Stay tuned for January 1.

See His Goodness in Today

I wrote this on June 7, 2016 and I left it in the drafts folder. 

I have left a lot of things in the drafts folder, the last two years of my life. 

I wrote because writing is like soul-breathing for me. I had to write. 

But I wrote afraid. Afraid of the vulnerability of sharing my soul. Afraid of the rejection that always comes from sharing raw. 

But I told you I was starting over. I told you I was facing my fears. 

So here it is…my words from June 7, 2016 – unedited. 

And I share them with a prayer – that you would see His goodness in your today, because friend – 

The truth of our Savior coming for us, this advent of Christ being born to save – this is not a truth contingent on your circumstances. The things that you face in your today are merely a conduit for His redemption in your life. 

Jesus has come and He is with us. Right in our today. 

I pray for eyes to see His goodness. 

——-June 7, 2016.

I stared out the car window, as we drove down the highway.

He withholds no good thing from us.

She was singing from the stereo, and I was staring out the window asking myself if I believed it to be true, that God would withhold no good thing from me.

I gave my daughter back one month ago. Thirty-one days ago, I stood in my living room holding her so tight, while tears ran unchecked down my face and I felt like my heart was being torn from my body.

He withholds no good thing from me?

At twenty-two years old, I found out accidentally that I could not have my own kids. A dream died. I miscarried our miracle baby less-than-a-year after our diagnosis. We moved to the city to be more present for a ministry we had to walk away from four years later. The family I thought, was not the family that is, and that story is still too painful to tell.

He withholds no good thing? 

 “I believe in a peace that flows deeper than pain, that broken find healing in love, pain is no measure of His faithfulness, He withholds no good thing from us.”

 

The truth is? What I know to be true in the depths of my heart, doesn’t always align with what I feel, but that doesn’t make the truth any less real.

I look into the eyes of my son, the one God literally gave to us, and I see the goodness of God.

I remember her smile and the twinkle in the eyes of our foster daughter, the one who trembled through newborn drug withdrawal for forty days, and I see the goodness of God.

My husband makes me fluffy eggs for breakfast, pours me coffee and gives me a hug, and I see the goodness of God.

I call her up and say I’m sorry to my friend, who forgives me freely, and I see the goodness of God.

I look out my dining room window and see how the morning light shines through the trees, and I see the goodness of God.

I hear the skies open – the rain falling on the roof, and I see the goodness of God.

Shutting down is sometimes a very real temptation, and that would be the true death of me. So I pray that my heart would stay open to see His goodness and all the ways He writes His love all over me.

I don’t want to miss the beauty of today.

Starting Over

I’m here again.

Me, the one with the messy bun, obsessed with coffee and colors and

selfiecleaning my house. I’ve popped in a few times, but really it’s been a long absence and five unfinished posts in the drafts file, a lot of unsure feelings and a few headaches later –

I’m here again.

Because I keep feeling this deep inner compulsion to come back and try again. Because writing is like breathing for me and not writing makes me feel a little oxygen-deprived. I wasn’t even ten yet and my mother had bought me a composition book and told me I had to write. She literally said “you have to write once a day”because I had protested about writing in that pink composition book that looked too much like school.

My mama told me that I had a gift and she gave me the tools to use it, and that’s about the best thing a mama could ever do for her child – bless and empower them in their God-given gifting.

But I never thought then – or ever – that I would be afraid of it.

That I would break because of it.

And that I would desperately want to just quit it.

But writing is like breathing for my soul and God made it that way.

My soul has brought me here again and it has brought me here because of my fears, not in spite of them, and I’m just going to say it out loud, once and for all –

I’m afraid of what people think of me.

It’s true.

I have lived in the bondage of this my whole life and I’m not about to wax intellectual on all the possible reasons why, nor give you some overconfident soap box pep talk on self-worth and image. I’m just going to tell you a story – my story – and I’m going to do it as graciously brave as I can, and it might take time and I’m sorry but – it might not always make sense to you?

And really, I’m okay with that as long as my words will only somehow breathe life into your soul and champion you in your journey.

I’m starting over, friends.img_6461

I’ve felt threatened by whispers of criticism, but I’ve been ridiculed most by the war in my own head.

I’m starting over, because I’m breaking free.

Irenaeus said, “The glory of God is man fully alive,” and  there is nothing less than His great glory that God’s archenemy covets and works tirelessly to dismantle, piece by piece.

The Apostle Paul started Romans 12, a chapter that speaks of the grace gifts given to us by God, by making an urgent appeal to the people of God. I won’t try to paraphrase his powerful petition:

“I appeal to you, therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.”

By the mercy of God, show up.

Show up and sacrifice yourself, your one whole self, and present yourself holy and acceptable to God. 

Your spiritual worship of God, is to present yourself to God.

Maybe the hardest part of this for some of us – for me – is that there is no presenting of yourself to people when all that you are and all that you have been given is for God.

The divine origin (logy, logia) of your glory and appearance (doxa) is God. You are from Him, and to Him and it is only in Him that we live and move and have our being. The glory of God is man fully alive and we are only ever fully alive when our identity is resting in Christ. You have been filled in Him. 

So show up and face whatever fear constricts your soul, and dare to live your one life now and do it boldly and fearlessly and gently and selflessly. Share you story, sing your song, and your very soul becomes a gift of His glory, a banner of hope and love and life for someone else.leafinwater

I have cared too much what others think, and lived too much for others approval, and I have only keenly learned the dismal truth that you will never be perfect enough for everyone and trying to please humanity will only bring you into a dungeon of unmet expectations.

Be strong enough, in Him, to serve not please, and you will become the you that you were meant to be.

I’m staring at this screen and I’m cringing right down to my toes.

It’s so easy to hide behind words on a screen.

I have done this – too much

And I am quite sure that is why I’m coming back afraid.

I only want to speak words that are honest to the liturgy of my life.

So I’m starting over.

I’m here again, hopeful.

Hopeful that my one small, ordinary life on  a quiet street in a small town in podunk northwestern Pennsylvania, will breathe hope and speak Jesus.

Hopeful that the stories I tell about my God and His amazing love for even me, will point someone else to a good Father who is mighty to save.

Hopeful that the things I tell you – about my life and my heart and my people – will only sing of the mercies of the Lord.

Because it is the mercy of God that we are not consumed, His compassion fails not and great is His faithfulness.

“Hope is the thing with wings that lands at the end of you and shows you how to open to possibilities so you never close again. – Emily Di

 

 

Saying Good-Bye

We all have ideas about how things in life should go.

We make plans, schedule appointments, we set goals, and every single person has expectations for others and life and how things should work, and nobody can really deny that if they’re honest.

And having an idea about how something should go is nice and all that, but you can have amazing ideas that collide with reality and fall flat or catapult into disaster.

It wasn’t my idea to have a family the way we have. When we got married that hot and sunny August Saturday, infertility and vials of blood work and health problems and miscarriage and unanswered questions and fostering the babies of women who had more than their fair share of hard knocks in life didn’t exist on our list of ideas about starting a family and what that would look like.

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I might have run the other direction if I would have known.

And I would have missed what it felt like to have my brown-eyed Cub smile and look up at me after a long day sick with a bad cold and say, “I love you, Mama.”

I would have missed losing all that sleep on those eternal nights when he was cutting multiple teeth and I would have missed how it felt to have his chubby little fist curl tight around my finger.

I would have missed the tears of toddler tantrums and the days that felt like failures I wanted blotted out, and I would have missed the joy of seeing his eyes sparkle and hearing the childish delight in his laughter.

I would have missed the fingerprints on the windowpanes of my front door and I would have missed the scribbles on the hallway wall and the poop smears in pants and

I would have missed the child wonder.

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And then, our journey took a turn we never imagined.

We said yes to a little girl that was coming.

A little girl with a drug addiction already raging in her unborn body.

That was never our idea.

I remember laying in bed one night, staring at the ceiling and wondering what she would be like and how it would feel to be a mama to a girl. I felt this heavy pause in my heart and I told my husband that I felt a little scared.

“I think this is going to be really hard.” I whispered into the dark.

He was silent, like he could feel it too. “Yes…maybe,” He said slowly, “But I think this what we are supposed to do.”

And I know that if we would have known, I would have run in the other direction.

And I would have missed the strength of a peace inside myself that didn’t come from within myself, when her body shaking all over would shudder with deep breaths and relax against me – me just rocking and singing and praying.

I would have missed the joy of of her first smile, at two weeks old, an image framed forever in my heart.

I would have missed the daily hours commuting and feeling starved for a real home-cooked meal and I would have missed how her eyes would follow me as I moved around her and how she would listen when I talked.

I would have missed her screams and cries and high demands and the exhaustion of it all, but I would have missed how she would stop crying and listen, every single time I sang to her about the angels watching over her. No other song could soothe her like that one, and I would have missed the comfort that washed over us both, singing it over and over again, for a whole hour.

I would have missed what felt like endless evenings of restless cries for hours straight, and I would have missed how the Cub got to lay on the floor next to her and tell her his stories. I would have missed the delight of watching them interact – her listening with big, admiring eyes, his wild gestures and childish stories holding her momentarily spellbound.

I would have missed the witness of her healing, how the tormented question in her eyes vanished into the sparkle of a shine that would have made any mama-heart indescribably glad. Nevaeh_snuggles

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I would have missed the anguish of saying good-bye to our life together, but I would have missed the gift of ever having a life together.

May 5 is the anniversary of our chapter closing, one year ago.

My heart is constantly pondering what we have missed and remembering all that we had, as the forget-me-nots bloom early and the late-spring breezes whisper warm.

And it’s been the hardest year of my heart, of my life.

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I hold her special blanket just a little bit longer and I let my heart feel and then I stand.

It’s time to say good-bye.

It was never my idea to let my child go so soon. It wasn’t my idea to say good-bye.

But if I stay here I know, I will miss life and joy and wonder and miracles.

So I whisper that final good-bye in my heart, to the sweetest pea that ever was in our pod, and I know I just let the most beautiful butterfly leave her cocoon –

to soar.

Carried by the wind, the very breath of God.

 

Let Your Scars Tell Their Story

Someone jostled the white pitcher of dried hydrangeas on the mantle.

Rustic-browned hydrangea leaves scattered on the floor.

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Sometimes I am as fragile as the rustic-browned dried hydrangea.

Sometimes the slightest touch can shatter. 

I always wanted to be stronger than that, even in my wildest grief. I wanted to have it all together.

Because who wants to fall all apart? Because who wants to be needy? Because who isn’t afraid of being labeled as “needy”? Because who hasn’t talked about someone and called them a “ministry”, like people are projects and we’re the so-not-needy heroines?

Sigh.

Stories of grief and heartache and ugly poured into my inbox this last year; stories unexpectedly weaving into mine.

Beautiful friendships can form in the worst storms.

And sometimes watching this, feeling this, seeing the unexpected form and unfold, and partaking of it, is your only tangible grasp on hope.

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Dandelion dust can scatter like rustic browned hydrangea leaves and tender hearts beating grief can shatter.

And not one living person doesn’t grieve something and –

 grief can paralyze or propel.

Grief can stop you from living and reduce you to surviving, and sometimes the strongest intentions to stare down hopelessness? They can falter and get lost in a whirl of torrid sorrow.

Sometimes you lose your way and forget your identity and the wounds you wear start wearing you.

This was me.

And then came the shame.

Shame that I lost myself in pain and let the grief swallow me. Shame because people who foster and love babies they didn’t give birth to are supposed to be stronger than that. Shame because I shared my grief too openly. Shame because I didn’t share enough. Shame because I didn’t have energy to pursue relationships. Shame because I saw the ugliness of my circumstances more than the goodness in my life. Shame because of the dark thoughts and depression that plagued me. Shame because I was needy and too much.

The day I shut our navy blue front door behind me on a humid May morning and crumpled into a ball of tears, became a threshold in my life. I can see it now, as the tiny blue flowers pop open on a warm spring morning in late April whispering “forget-me-not”. 

How the grief I broke under has made me more whole.

This is my story.

forget me not

“I didn’t know if you would ever come back,” my quiet man spoke into the dark, one night, where we lay talking.

And the truth of the matter, when your heart shatters under a wild grief? It’s a mercy you cannot go back and all grace that you can move forward.

And maybe the most important thing to get in it all?

That there is no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus.

Take a deep breath, friend.

You are redeemed and released from all shame, because Christ is ALIVE.

You can show your scars and let your scars tell their story, and this is not hopelessness but hope-FULL – ness.

Because if you have grieved in your lifetime, you know –

 that sometimes the slightest touch can shatter life, but the brave endeavor might share life. 

Sing your story and let your story be your song and some people will never understand and every person will think what they will and let none of it ever stop you from being true to the unfolding work of the resurrected Lamb – at work in you.

And this is how you will overcome – by the word of your testimony.

~

Five Tips for a Grieving Heart

  1. Give yourself space to be. Healing takes time. Deep grief demands extra rest. Allow yourself more time for sleep.  (Ideas: go to bed an hour earlier, set the alarm clock an hour later, take a mid-day nap)
  2. Find a healthy way to express yourself unfiltered. (Ideas: journaling, drawing/painting, etc.)
  3. Have at least one person, outside of your family/household, you can count on to walk with you. This should be someone you are comfortable with venting to and someone who will not feel the need to provide you with answers.
  4. Set some motivational goals. You choose what these should be, based on your lifestyle, life situation and life circumstances, but make sure they are goals that will motivate you to get out of bed in the morning and give you a sense of purpose.
  5. Set firm boundaries. Do NOT commit to many “extra” things outside of the goals you set. Say no to anything that will add anxiety or stress to your life, as much as possible.

~

Five Tips for the Friend of a Grieving Heart

  1. Listen more than you ever have before. Don’t be an instruction manual, be a co-laborer.
  2. Don’t ask, just do. Asking questions like “what can I do?” ends up just being awkward. Think of something to do and do it. (Ideas: bring a meal, have flowers delivered, use your Amazon account and have something delivered anonymously to their doorstep, etc.)
  3. There are no right words to speak in a time of grief, so don’t try. Saying that you are praying or that you care is enough.
  4. Don’t stop relating in normal ways. Exercise discernment, but you asking them for help or advice might be more therapeutic and healing than you might realize.
  5. Be available. Grieving is dark but grieving alone is darker.