If I had one word to describe my life in the last few months, I would say that my life has been hard.
One of the definitions in the dictionary says that when something is hard it, “requires a great deal of endurance or effort.”
In the last few months, it has taken a great deal of effort –
~ to remain in relationship. Sometimes being real in relationship is really, really, really tough. Sometimes I frankly don’t know how.
~ to not let frustration eat a hole through my soul. It’s been everything from grappling with normal life to feeling at my wits-end with gossip and meddlesome behavior.
~ to not give up. I’m realizing that I don’t do well with loving when deep issues surface in other people. I’m praying for God to inject a deeper love into my Truth-loving heart. Is the Truth, the Truth, without love?
~ to fight against feelings of condemnation. God convicts, not condemns. Condemnation is from the Enemy. It is one thing to know this in your heart, it is another thing altogether to live this in your life. Condemnation is quick to creep in to my experience.
~ to bring my cynical feelings about God to God. It has been scary to realize that I have become so cynical in some areas of my life, I don’t even want to mention it to God. This is a deeply rooted issue in my life. I’ve thought I worked through the hard stuff in my journey and come out to good places, but I am beginning to see that I’ve come out to places that look good but really aren’t. I hate to admit this, but I can see how a root of bitterness has grown in my heart.
~ to get out of bed. Yeah, that’s crazy humbling to admit. But there are many mornings, I want to cry thinking about starting a new day. I just don’t have energy to keep up with living. I don’t have energy to put one foot in front of the other.
The days I’ve been living have been hard.
And in a small way, a very small way, I feel like I can relate a little to Job.
And I can’t see the end from the beginning, and I don’t feel good about everything that’s going down in my corner of the universe, but I keep putting one foot in front of the other, because –
when you believe in the resurrection of a crucified Lord,
and I do –
you believe that God is a Redeemer
who does a really good job
and you keep moving forward and pushing past the ugliness of humanity, because –
you know that God’s got this one
and He’s not finished yet.