A Divine Privilege

There was three children under the age of three. After the first one had been adopted through foster care, their hearts had been enlarged and they felt called to adopt a handicapped child, truly one of the least of these. In the process of the Maine to Colorado adoption, they received a phone call about a two month old baby girl who needed a foster home right away. There was a punctured lung and bruised skin, the little child had been beat so badly she had almost died.

They told the agency that because they were in the process of adopting a high-needs child their names would have to be taken off the placement list, but they couldn’t say no to the two-month old innocent.

The adoption went faster than they thought and the little girl stayed longer than they imagined, though they didn’t mind. All of a sudden they had three children under the age of three, one who couldn’t see, could hardly hear, and was contending with severe physical development issues.

Their mother’s name was Faith, and it couldn’t have been more fitting. I will always remember her response to someone who looked at her and said, “Faith, your plate is full.”

She smiled, her sweet faithful smile, and said, “My plate is full, but my cup runs over.”

I remember the day they stopped by my parent’s place and their eyes shone and they smiled wide. The little two month innocent, now past her first birthday, was officially part of their family. Forever.

I took the tiny little one into my arms and cried into her hair, tears running down my cheeks. And I remember thinking I want this. I want to do this.

Years later, I stood barren and empty-handed, teetering on the edge of early menopause, wondering if children with names would ever fill my heart and grow in my home.

And a few more years later, the extravagant God opened unexpected doors and turned our world upside down and our hearts inside out with the gift of Leo. Leo, the one my heart labored over, the child of my heart, divinely placed in my arms.

IMG_2382IMG_2385

My friend Paula is a woman with a heart for always one more. Earlier this year, when my husband and I stayed with their children so they could go on an anniversary getaway, we marveled at how their children melded, at how you would never ever guess that there were two who had not been born into the family.

“They are the perfect family for those boys,” Ryan said, “I love how they have blended in so authentically.”

“When God places a child in your arms (or heart) it is a Divine placement, a Divine privilege, and the gift of motherhood—regardless of the method of placement.” Paula wrote these words to me in an email, but the ink of her words seeped straight into my heart.

IMG_2640The day I leaned over his crib, crying, trying to sing his restless spirit to sleep, feeling exhausted from a long day of shots, hearing degradation from a sneering onlooker, running low on sleep, I remembered the words and I spoke them over his little body struggling to rest and over the frustration beginning to edge my spirit and over the mothering helplessness I felt. Leo, you are my divine privilege. 

It stopped my heart from anxious flutters of irritation, that after over an hour he just wouldn’t settle… it stopped my spirit from wildly fretting because he just got shots and mama doesn’t like shots, and what if something happens because I sleep him on his tummy (he will not sleep on his back)? It stopped me in all my motherhood tracks, the tangled web of what if, should I, maybe this and washed over me like peace.

When God places a child in your arms (or heart) it is a Divine placement, a Divine privilege, and the gift of motherhood- regardless of the method of placement.

The truth is that it doesn’t really matter how Leo came to be in our home. Though he is not born of my flesh, he is born of my heart, and while he is here, he is here by the divine  placement of a sovereign God.IMG_2625

The “fostering” world feels like a whole different world than biological parenting. In so many ways, it is probably much the same, with the addition of visitation, relating to birth parents and families, and maybe an extra dose of that what if I don’t do this right? worry.

While Leo feels very much like my own, I feel the constant pressure of raising a child that will not (unless God wills otherwise) be my child forever. My husband is kind to my heart and gentle with my soul, quick to lace his fingers through mine, kiss my forehead and tell me: “We just need to do the best we know, the best we can and trust God with the rest.”

And I feel like I should etch the words When God places a child in your arms (or heart) it is a Divine placement. on every wall in my house, so that every where I turn I am reminded that I am equipped and empowered, by a holy God, to raise up my son and raise him up well.

Where God gives a commission, He gives ability.

Where God gives a vision, He gives strength.

Where God calls, He gives courage.

Fostering a child is not easy. If you foster and this is your first, you are a brave soul. If you foster and you have other children, don’t think raising your foster child “can’t be much different than raising your other children”. Fostering a child is a whole different ballgame.

I feel tug and pull when we visit Leo’s mommy. I love bringing him to her and watching them reconnect, but every time I also feel a sharp twist inside. 

It gets old to constantly feel urged to explain your child…why they don’t look like you, how long you will have them, what happened to the birth parents.

Sometimes you might be treated with suspicion…“If you didn’t give birth to him, do you feel bonded? Are you letting yourself fall totally in love with him?” It’s hard to not let these kind of comments or insinuations create fears or doubts within yourself.

Fostering a child is not an easy journey, but it is a beautifully rewarding one. Though I do not have three children, like my friend Faith, or a dozen children, like my friend Paula, I do have one, and on the days when my plate feels full – my strength overextended, my heart weak, my spirit discouraged (Can I be the mommy that Leo needs?) – I am trying to stop and see how my cup runs over with the beauty of my divine privilege.

My beautiful Leo.

IMG_3475

Advertisements

13 thoughts on “A Divine Privilege

  1. Oh Renee, I cried over this post. My own dear bio baby has been so difficult, that I need to plaster the “Divine placement/privilege” all over my house, too. Plus, I have this family living with us–a single mom and her 3 children–all of them stuffed in our one extra bedroom. I mother the precious kiddos while their mom goes to work, and it is exhausting. When we took them in, I knew it was divine placement…but the months go by, and my strength is gone, and this post was just what I needed this morning. I would love to meet YOUR SON, your Leo.

  2. I remember being told to NOT let myself bond with the little girl we car eed for while her mother was incarcerated. I remember thinking it might be easy, she was such a fussy baby. :/ Then I realized I am all this baby has…to meet her needs on every level. How could I be who I should be and offer this baby what she needs without allowing myself to care and bond. ..just to protect my heart. This baby didnt ask to be born…..she taught me a lot about caring and what belonging really means.
    We would have loved to kept ber. It broke my heart every time we had to take her to visit her mom and the nigbtmare of dropping her off for good. Our family was blessed by her being with is those 9 months… we carry the memory of praying over her and blessing her…and we still can.
    Bless you Renee as you and Davey parent your little Leo.

  3. What divine words for any mother in any stage of life. Thanks for sharing! You’re such a fantastic mother to Leo. He will always be blessed because of the way you’ve opened your heart so fully to him in these first precious months of his life.

  4. @Kim – I think you meant Ryan. Davey is married to my best friend,Rachel. 🙂 It is so good to hear other people’s stories…to be reminded that I am not alone.

    @Lisa – Wow! What a beautiful ministry you all have – one I am sure that is stretching you beyond what you even imagined. Aren’t you glad His grace is sufficient? I don’t know how your bio baby has been difficult but my heart empathizes…I feel like my own dear boy has been fairly fussy the last little while and it wears on one!

    @Shaunda – thank-you for your words of blessing!

  5. Oh, this brought back so many memories and emotions; our first two babies were foster babies. There is such a huge roller coaster of emotions that goes with foster care. When your first child is a foster child maybe especially so because not only are you figuring out the whole parenting thing, but also how to love with your whole heart, but not claim what is not yours and to deal with all the misconceptions within yourself and from others. I am pretty sure I could have written a book called Tuesday’s tears based on the days we had parental visits alone. Some were happy tears, some were sad, some were frustration or anger. Some were from my eyes and some from the little ones’ eyes.

    Fostering was one of the most stretching, but enriching parts of my life. We have two “sons” who don’t live with us and who we love dearly. We have hearts that have been broken, souls that are stronger, and ideas of God’s love that are bigger than before.

    Blessings to you!

  6. Ahh Renee. I love your honest heartfelt posts…I think of you often these days. The sacrifice you are making…the love of an ABBA God you are pouring out on this precious little miracle boy, without restraint. I pray His protection over your Mommy heart as you obey Him with everything in you and love at such a high cost. Hugs girl!!

  7. @Christy – It is such a blessing to hear from other people who have traveled this road! It gives me courage…and hope…and inspiration. Blessings to you!

  8. sweet girl! i love your heart. your little leo is so blessed to have you.

    i found your blog via my friend haley novak who shared this link. big hugs to you today!!

    xo

  9. @ Rachael – thanks for your words of enouragement & affirmation! Here’s a hug for you!

    @ nicole – Whew, your blog looks amazing! I can’t wait to explore it more! I love how my world just keeps expanding, thanks to technology. Hugs to you!!

  10. Beautiful words! God’s care for us continues to astound me!!! And the picture of Ryan and Leo… I could look at it for hours! It captures the heart! Love you!

Comments are closed.