She stared into the face of the tiny body she held tightly to her chest and I watched through the mist of my own tears as water slid down her face and dripped from her nose.
A moment later she did the most brave thing I have ever, in all my life, seen a mother do.
She gave up her son.
She gave him up to me.
When I took him into my arms and pulled him close, I couldn’t see, blinded by my own grief. I grabbed her shoulder and I pulled her tight and we hugged, this brave mother, this precious child and me. “We love you. We love you so much. I promise he won’t forget you…we won’t let him.”
“Please tell him I love him.” She cried.
“Oh, yes…everyday…” I said through my tears and I held him up to see her and I said, “Say good-bye to your mommy, Leo. Say “I love you mommy”.”
He held her finger fast until they said we had to go and she kissed his forehead. We walked from the room and my whole body ached with grief.
“How can one day be the most precious and the most painful all at the same time?” I asked Ryan as we drove home.I sobbed in the backseat and stared into the face of the beautiful child.
I think I have cried more times this week than ever in my life. I already don’t know how I’m going to give Leo back. Sometimes I just sit and stare into his face and cry.
Then I found this song.
I danced Leo to sleep last night, barefoot in my kitchen, to this song, our theme song to this journey.
And I know that there will be many moments in the coming years of our life when I will agonize at the throne of God and wrestle as I have already done. And I will have to remind myself of the truth, that every millisecond of my misery in the path of obedience is producing a peculiar glory in my life.
Whatever you face in your life, do not lose heart. The beauty is beyond what you can see.