Though You Slay Me

She stared into the face of the tiny body she held tightly to her chest and I watched through the mist of my own tears as water slid down her face and dripped from her nose.

A moment later she did the most brave thing I have ever, in all my life, seen a mother  do.

She gave up her son.

She gave him up to me.

When I took him into my arms and pulled  him close, I couldn’t see, blinded by my own grief. I grabbed her shoulder and I pulled her tight and we hugged, this brave mother, this precious child and me. “We love you. We love you so much. I promise he won’t forget you…we won’t let him.”

“Please tell him I love him.” She cried.

“Oh, yes…everyday…” I said through my tears and I held him up to see her and I said, “Say good-bye to your mommy, Leo. Say “I love you mommy”.”

He held her finger fast until they said we had to go and she kissed his forehead. We walked from the room and my whole body ached with grief.

“How  can one day be the most precious and the most painful  all at the same time?” I asked Ryan as we drove home.I sobbed in the backseat and stared into the face of the beautiful child.

I think I have cried more times this week than ever in my life. I already don’t know how I’m going to give Leo back. Sometimes I just sit and stare into his face and cry.

Then I found this song.

I danced Leo to sleep last night, barefoot in my kitchen, to this song, our theme song to this journey.

And I know that there will be many moments in the coming years of our life when I will agonize at the throne of God and wrestle as I have already done. And I will have to remind myself of the truth, that every millisecond of my misery in the path of obedience is producing a peculiar glory in my life.

Whatever you face in your life, do not lose heart. The beauty is beyond what you can see.

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8 thoughts on “Though You Slay Me

  1. My heart is touched by this incredible testimony of sacrificial love, of humble trust, and of God’s glory in the midst of pain. May He carry you in this journey, confiding to you more of His heart, and giving you all the grace you need to glorify Him in every moment of this gift called life…

  2. Yes, the bravest thing a woman can do. I can’t imagine giving my son to anyone. God bless you for your bravery, too.

  3. I’m so proud of you, Renee (and Ryan)!
    When Ryan was introducing Leo yesterday morning, I was swallowing hard. It pains my heart deeply to think of you and Leo and his birth mommy.

  4. Racheal, Shari, Shaunda ~ If I am brave, which I don’t feel as though I am, it is because I have people in my life like you. Thank-you for walking with us and believing with us…that redemption is here. We need that fellowship.

  5. I have been reading your blog silentley for quite a while…silently only because I never know what to say. You amaze me, Renee. And inspire me. You’re openness and love of life and bravery…you truelu are an amazing lady and I wish I could someday get to know you better. I will be thinking of and praying for you and Ryan as you start this new journey. Blessings!

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