He walked in the door and set his red cooler, profusely smudged with dirt, on the counter, and pulled out a seat, chair legs screeching loudly in the silent room. “Are you okay?”
I lifted my eyes and sighed. How does your heart ooze and throb numbly at the same time? I shook my head…no…and he waited quiet, and took my hand, my strong presence.
And the story came out with a rush of salty water that broke loose. The pieces crumbled and I felt the damage of every broken shard that clattered to the floor. It’s not alright. I’m not okay. It isn’t okay. But what am I supposed to do about that?
The sun is still shining, but it feels like it should be raining. The world moves on and really, it never stopped, except for in my little house where the walls caved in.
I can see why the situation looked the way it did, but I hurt deeply, because no one even asked. They just assumed.
And they ended up hurting me.
I’m a fixer and I want to make all the wrong right because I know that band-aids eventually peel off, but the truth is that sometimes you can’t fix what has already been done, you just forgive.
That feels too easy…for them. It doesn’t feel fair. I want justice.
And I wrestle deeply, rollerblading fast through town my heart jumping and leaping with mixed feelings of anger and pain. I pour out my anxiety and brokenness with my fingers flying passionately through melancholy selections of Chopin and Daquin. I pace my hallway, from the kitchen to the bedroom, numerous times. I get furious. I get sad. I ask myself questions. I remember and recall and I wonder if I could have done something different? I painstakingly analyze and sift through the story and look at each piece of the puzzle carefully.
And it still comes back to forgiveness, no matter how hurt I feel inside.
The ultimate justice for my heart is actually to forgive, not take revenge or defend my side of things. It is to offer myself and my heart, again, because God has my heart anyways, and this story of redemption that He’s grafting?
It’s not about me.
He’s got my heart. Every single piece.