learning about grace

With a half-smile, half-smirk, she corrected me, making my point feel insignificant. After all, I’m not a mother and she is.

I don’t know how to join into the plans. Where do I fit into the picture? Frustration eating at me like those irritating worms that chew holes in my broccoli plants.

Wanting to scream loud and stomp my feet because life demands that we change our tires and kiss three hundred dollars good-bye. We just spent over six hundred on the car, two weeks ago. A thousand dollars into the car, Lord? It doesn’t seem fair.

She sins and I know it, and I can’t say anything. I want to shake her and I feel the anguish of her torment and feel desperate. I cry.

This man of integrity agrees to do opening and lead worship. He’s trying to prepare for his Sunday School lesson and a week of VBS and he’s working full-time and there aren’t enough hours in the day. My toes curl, quiet but stubborn resistance. Where do I come into the picture? I feel sorry for myself.

This dear lady assumes something and her words trickle in fast and cold and shocking. I have to process and sort through the element of conviction and the unfair assumption. Heaviness.

My thoughts feel tangled and confused. Is it normal to feel so alone? Is it okay? Should I be worried? Why can’t I just “get with it”? Why do I have to be the one, on the edge…the brink…the verge — questioning, sorting, processing. Why can’t I just be okay with the shrink-wrapped answers to life? Why must I have something more?

Irritation rising. I walked to the library and I stubbed my toe twice, that uneven pavement tripping me up. I can’t even walk to the library without stumbling.

My heart desperately reaches for grace. That sinking feeling, deep inside, knowing that I am failing at giving grace and speaking grace and showing grace. My insecurities taunting me without mercy.

I am back at the cross. On the ground, leaning heavily into the floor, groping for Him. The Man who redeems.

Jesus, forgive me. I need You to restore humility in my heart. 

Lord, have mercy. I am a sinner!

Father in heaven, cleanse my soul. Remove that self-righteous condemnation.

This is me.

Learning so slowly about that grace, greater.


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