“I’m just all about love right now. Love, love, love!” My dear friend flashed me a smile and waved her hands expressively.
Easter morning 2012. I was soaking up the presence of this genuine lady I never get to see, listening as she weaved strands of her story into our conversation.
There was a sense of anguish about her, turmoil riddled in her eyes. She wasn’t hiding her pain. I could feel it and sense it keenly.
Vulnerable exposure. Everything was not okay and yet it was. She had walked the brink of insanity and could testify, though answerless still, that Jesus was Lord.
I think about the Easter songs I have been playing on the exquisite grand piano at work. When I survey the wondrous cross. Christ the Lord is risen today, alleluia! When through the woods and forest glades I wander. O the deep, deep love of Jesus.
There is a little space in the heart of each one of us, that just can’t be fixed with conversation, theology, or discipline. There is a neediness, an anguish, a crying-out, a suffering, that cannot be soothed with a kind word, a tangible hug, or the gift of a flower. There is a need…a great need…a deep, unfathomable, crazy need for something more.
We’re fixers by nature. We’re all about making wrong things right. Justice. Perfection? We want answers. Everything depends on answers. We need answers. We must understand. Why, why, why, why, why? We organize, prioritize, compartmentalized, and more…and we’re coming up short, coming up exhausted, coming up empty-handed and…needy.
We writhe in our turmoil.
Our confusion and pain and unrest is because we haven’t accepted our singleness as a gift. Our confusion and pain and unrest is because we haven’t accepted our calling to be a mother – or not be a mother. Our confusion and pain and unrest is because we cannot give thanks for our sickness and trust God. So we say. So we think. So we live.
And I disagree. It’s not always incorrect, but it’s incomplete.
We come up with nice, holy sounding, “scriptural” reasons for our confusion and pain and unrest because we don’t know what else to do and we’re writhing. We’re professionals at bandaging up our problems. We’re lost and wandering… because we haven’t lost and found ourselves in Calvary love. There is a need…a great need…a deep, unfathomable, crazy need for something more.
We’re fixers by nature. It’s humbling and needy and vulnerable to bring our unedited mess to the foot of the cross in the presence of His people, and simply accept the crazy, unfathomable, deep, deep love of Jesus.
Jesus is calling. While we’re trying to discipline the laziness, selfishness and flesh out of lives, He wants to fill us. He wants to renew and transform us. He wants to love us.
All of my best efforts and strongest endeavors fall short. In letting go, I don’t give up, I give in. It’s here I see the Cross and the Resurrection. Jesus loves me…do I know?
This is insanity.