It’s January 30th, the day between two of my sister’s birthdays. Stephanie turned seventeen yesterday and Andrea celebrates her golden birthday tomorrow, turning thirty-one. The sky is blue, golden sunshine quickly melting the inch of snow that fell in a twenty-minute blizzard last night. I’m listening to Christmas music, because no one does Christmas music like Michael Buble and who said Christmas music is only for December?
My heart is reflecting. I am feeling scandalous, outspoken and radical as I stare at my computer screen. I am outgoing anyways, but catch me in a mood like right now and you’ll meet with the blunt force of “I’m-not-mincing-words-today” Renee.
At heart, it really does hurt when people don’t like me and give me those looks of, “Oh honey, someday you’ll grow up and really understand.” I’m human and of course, I want to be valued. I want my opinion to count. I hate feeling discarded because I’m young.
And then there are days when I feel so happy and free, I feel invincible. I feel like anybody could look at me with those condemning, amused looks and it would make me laugh myself silly. Say what you will and the only condition is that I be allowed to dance to the music of your critique.
I’m feeling bold today. Bold and happy and carefree. I am celebrating life and the freedom of speech and the delight of coffee and Christmas music in January. I’m feeling random and silly and drunk with the sweetness of life…which is often just a bunch of nonsense.
I like red. I think decorating in neutral colors makes more sense than the best of color schemes. I love sweaters and hoodies and scarves. I am an unashamed pro-lifer. I am a neat freak and I like being organized and I’m not ashamed of thinking that organization can be (and for me, is) a hobby. I like dreaming and salivate at the notion of owning my dream camera with the monstrous lenses, so I can journal my life in pictures. I plan to write for the rest of my life and I love that writing is art, and when you freelance you’re free and what really impacts is not the perfectly structured sentences but the heart expressed.
I don’t dig relationships that operate on an “I-guess-I-need-you-now” basis. Sometimes it’s necessary to talk fast and even jumble a few words, because if you speak any slower you’ll forget the point of what you’re saying and its better to get there fast, than it is to forget. Sometimes biting your nails is the only way to cope with deep reflection and didn’t you know that’s what nail files were created for?
The random nonsense of my heart today. Man, it feels so good to get all that out in the open.